Broken

I am not one to cry. It's not that I am stronger than you, but somehow tears don't come very easily to me.

When my dad passed away, I was Stine cold. The protected little cub thrown out into the wild , standing in front of the dead body of the person who meant everything to him and not a tear. It was a weird feeling. Grief intertwined with sudden fearlessness. If everything I have is taken, I seem to be happier because there's that much less that can be taken away.

Since then, it's been 15 years and I have lived and made my share of mistakes. But every second, the one constant feeling has been its not worth it. Not worth crying for my dad. Not worth looking at those glossy means zilch titles that they offer you once in a while, when you are working for too long, not worth trying to keep your family happy and expecting them to just realize that you are doing it for them, not worth fretting on which school your child will get ijlnto, not worth saving for a stock market crash that may or may not happen, not worth pitching dimes for retirement , not worth falling in love, etcetera.

None of these things are wrong. Obviously.

But having put in some effort in all of these and a 100 other pursuits, I realize it's not worth it.

You are creating a sand castle and protecting it from the waves. If it breaks a bit, you double down abd try to fortify it .

But what if, it's broken. The fortifi action is temporary. The castle is temporary. The waves are permanent.

It's just broken.

I haven't mediated enough to get any sort of relocation or even a glimpse, but if life slaps you hard enough for long enough, sometimes u self realize.

Broken be it. On the rocks pls.

chameleonography

u kno, its human to cry.
its human 2 be envious.
its human 2 feel heart wrenching pain.
its human 2 let ur mind wander into the past, when it wants 2.
it is human 2 change..u kno all dat hullabulla bout 'change bein da only constantt' n shit..
bt is it human 2 forget everythin u were and give birth to a new 'you', to suit one's insatiable thirst for happiness?
which is the true 'you'... the words said 2 some1 , now inaudible, due to the howling of the winds of time...the words you say now, 2 some1 new...the wors u will say to some1 else, who's blissfully unaware, as i rite, that he's da next one 2 hear words, people before him have heard and thot were meant only for them...
its nt da wrench of a broken heart..but of an amused individual, who sees that life is actually a game played between a subject n a camera... the camera is da mind...it takes pictures of people,occasions, events, promises, smiles , lies...n then preserves them for future reference...thats the part which is called 'Photography'...
bt then here's da twist..when the camera is positioned on the subject after a photoshoot, for a second sitting, da subject looks different...the pouting smile, the endearing eyes, the inviting body language, the slightly parted lips, the open legs have been replaced by a cold, misty glare...the photographer looks in disbelief... he closes his eyes and realises that as beautiful as his subject had looked a moment ago, its not meant for him anymore...the Chameleon smiles on, the paparazzi have arrived and its time to perform.

2010

13 hrs, 45 minutes into 2010.
New Year.
Wondering who decided that a year should have 365 days and then enbedded it in stone?
wonder what's so new about it, either..
Jan 1, 2009.. am sure anyone haveing a cell phone received on a median average of 25 smsses, wishing them joy, love, wealth, happiness, sex, free alcohol, multiple orgasms and basically a great year ahead...so what happened? u replied back in most cases and then when da "No space for new msgs' beeped on ur screen, u started deleting, based on priority.
Who won n who it matter to? Vodafone, Airtel, Reliance, Virgin, Orange, Bsnl and probably 130 other mobile subscribers of varying sizes and customer bases.
Human beings basically tend to care about themselves. Thats basic.
Human beings intrinsically yearn to feel that as much as they care only for themselves, others actually care about them. Thats called being Human.
Hence, u wish others happiness and then rack your braings, to see how much of the happiness wich is going around, can be monopolised by you.
As i saw people changing friends, lovers, clothes, parties in a feeble attempt to be a little more accpetable to the multitude they dont care a hoot bout, i realised that if u take a front seat and just observe, its amusing, but unfortunately extremely routine.. People suck up 2 bosses, colleagues, professors and smile all through...just a silent prayer that someday they will be big enough for someone to suck them back ( tons of pun intended)
There's a time for everythin..for sucking up, for p.r, for love, for back stabbing games, for work, for your ownself, for extra maritals, for 2 timing, for taking care of your parents, for socialising, for planning your next status msg on fb, for changing your profile pic on twitter, for pretending to be kool, for buying stuff you dont need, for paying your bills, for not paying your credit card dues and changing your ph no, for downloading musci from Utube...heck, if there aint enough time, we'll jus hav 2 multitask... but with so much time @ hand, noone has the time 2 realise that time's running out.
Unless scientifically proved, wich it hasnt been till now..u still hav 1 life and ur living it doing stuff, wich wont matter more than a speck of dust on your grave..
Adios amigos, til later